March 1, 2022

 I Saw Three Ducks and Two of them Had Sex

I saw three ducks, two men ducks and a lady duck. I stopped to watch because of a concern for any woman surrounded by too many men. Female friendships are so important. I watched them for 25 minutes from a Venice canal bridge with no one else around. I am the only witness to the following events and you’ll have to trust that I’m an honest storyteller.

I wondered about their dynamic. Maybe they were coworkers - did she have to fight to make it in a boys club, an uber macho business environment?  She HAS to hang out with men all the time in order to be taken seriously. She doesn’t have the luxury of working for some fluffy girl-boss media company with offices in The Wing! Breast-pumping booths. She’s so brave - paving the way for a future generation of female ducks in business. 

But whether they were coworkers, friends, a book club - boundaries were blurred. The foundation of their relationship quaked, unfriendly quacks exchanged. The trajectory of their lives altered forever. As suspected, the lady’s attractiveness worked against her. Many say it’s not true, but a beautiful woman cannot be friends with heterosexual male ducks. 

While the beautiful lady duck was looking away, one male duck approached her. It seemed polite to me. But the other male duck didn’t like the first male duck’s attitude I guess. He flapped his wings and quacked LOUDLY (rude) at the first male duck who then wanted absolutely nothing to do with the situation. I was shocked, honestly tbh. But not as shocked as I was 5 seconds later when the rude male duck mounted the lady duck and violently had sex with her for like 10 seconds. I don’t know the rules of consent for ducks, culturally.

I will say that after the sex happened the lady duck intensely intensely washed herself off, dipping her head underwater and shaking droplets off, repeating this over and over. Maybe she’s Catholic. AND then the lady duck stayed much closer to the original (polite) male duck than to the second (rude, sexual) duck as the three swam away from me. Nothing will ever be the same again. 

I didn’t like it but I watched the whole thing. That’s okay.